Q-“What did you do today?
A-“Adulting stuff.”
Q-“What does that mean?”
A-“I did my laundry, paid my credit card bill, stuff like that.”
I didn’t know there was a word that described doing grown up stuff. I thought you just did it. It is a new term, a verb, that actually has a dictionary definition. According to the Urban Dictionary, Adulting (v): to do grown up things and hold responsibilities such as a 9-5 job, have a mortgage/or rent, a make a credit card or car payment, or anything else that makes one think of grown ups. Adulting (v): to carry out one or more of the duties and responsibilities expected of fully developed individuals.
I love working with young adults (in my book, ages 17-25). They are reaching for independence, learning who they are, identifying their purpose and strengths, seeking out their place in society and learning how to do life on their own (as in, becoming an adult). As our society becomes more complex, teens approaching adulthood need to navigate the many influences of culture, figure out relationships and what they want to “do” in life. I have often seen that parents get frustrated with their adult kids for not taking the lead or managing things well (in their mind). As with all stages of child rearing, successfully launching our young adult kids involves parents employing the “teach and release” strategy (I made up that term just now.) Kids need to learn how to do adult things-so either we as parents teach them, or our kids can turn to friends, teachers, mentors, google or you tube to figure it out. We switch from a parental mom/dad role (which is more active, with teaching and directing) to a mentor role (being available, not pressing our agenda or opinion, offering advice or help when requested or if it is an urgent situation). That’s the release part.
Our home is the classroom for our kids. Some things they will pick up by observation and model our behavior (such as how to treat others kindly or harshly, handling conflict, acceptance of those who are different from us) but some skills need to be directly taught (money management, paying bills, taking care of belongings, getting cars fixed, how to study or write a resume).
How do we launch our kids so they can stand on their own? (couldn’t resist doing it with ADULT analogy…)
-ACCEPTANCE-let them know you accept them where they are at. It remains important to have clear boundaries as your kids get older. There are still rules to obey at home, obligations and chores to complete, and being a part of the family team is key to growing up.
-our DOOR is always open. Let your grown up child know they can come back home. Parents may need to intervene when their young adult kids make choices that get them in situations that can have serious consequences. While family rules need to be followed, kids know they have a place that will take them in.
-UNDERSTANDING-we bring a mindset that we know they don’t have everything they need to be independent, yet, and but we extend sensitivity towards what they are going through without shaming or belittling. If their choices aren’t we we would want for them, we give them space to figure it out.
-LOVE-letting them know you are always there. The two sides of love reflect acceptance/understanding and also consequences/boundaries.
-TOOLS-teaching them life skills so they can handle things on their own. We weren’t born knowing adult stuff, and neither are they. So they look to us, or another adult, to teach them.
These old kids/young adults may be our biological children or “children of the heart”-someone we mentor or teach. Sometimes us “elders” (ie, over age 25…) forget that we also needed to learn how to be an adult. Adulting has always been around; it just has a place in the dictionary now. Helping your teen/adult child launch and become independent is just another season of our parenting. I don’t always like adulting either-but then again, being independent and not having to eat vegetables I hate is definitely a perk of being grown up.