Working with you is KILLING me! - Sheri Bland Solutions Ltd.

In “Working with You is Killing Me” by Katherine Crowley and Kathi Elster (Warner Business Books), the authors identify how to understand toxic people, how our boundaries get violated, how the roles we play feed into negative workplace relationships and how to get unhooked from it. This is one of the most popular trainings I have presented-but why? We call get stuck and have blind spots that can be identified as we get feedback on how we are getting hooked. Confining roles we can play can be as a hero, rebel, peacemaker, invisible one, caretaker, martyr and entertainer. These roles can cause us to be stereotyped, overlooked or not taken seriously. Toxic relationships (at work and in personal life) include the empty pit, chip on the shoulder, exploder, saboteur and pedestal smasher (I like you/I am ruining you). The conversation at my last training on this topic (published by CRM Learning) was very lively as we got to the toxic relationships; high level professionals admitted to getting “hooked” and not understanding how to get out of the loop.

Getting “unhooked” means how to detach and refocus so you don’t continue in the negative roles and relationships. The four ways of getting unhooked with toxic work relationships include :

1. Unhook physically (take a break, walk, get some water, deep breathing, stretch)-to stop the physiological upset response, which can hi-jack our brain for 18 minutes.

2. Unhook mentally (assess what is happening, what are the facts, what is his/her part vs.my part, what are options)-break down the situation so you can make a logical choice.

3. Unhook verbally (move to say something to resolve it, set boundary clearly and practice it, use positive language like “I” statements -“I” feel…when…because…I want/would like..). Be proactive.

4. Unhook with a business tool (using a standard procedure or written document to set parameters, such as job description, policies, agendas, goals)-the tool sets the limit rather than the person.

The business tool provides a firm and clear guide for all employees so as to reduce frustration, misunderstandings, overstepping boundaries and inequities. For a special bonus, “When your boss is killing you” is an addendum. Participants seem to love this part! More later on that most difficult work relationship.

Working with you is KILLING me!