This is for the women who don’t feel understood their husbands/partners and for their men who think they are too emotional! Cognitive vs. affective empathy is inborn. Below is a link to an interesting blog on difference between affective empathy ( I feel your pain and want to help you) and cognitive empathy ( I can read your non verbals and understand you). Just saying… this is not my husband! But many I counsel are so broken because their partners don’t understand, and their male partners are frustrated because their wives say…”you don’t love me and you don’t care!”
As you read this, think about the man in your life (or if you ARE the man in her life)-who doesn’t seem to understand the subtle nuances of feelings and conversation. He is trying to “read” the facial expressions, intonation and understand what it means, but it does not make sense at all. This blog refers to Aspie men (aka “aspergers”), but it really refers to those who have not been born with the innate quality of reading the non verbal meaning behind communication. The impact on relationship is devastating. The female partner feels misunderstood and the male partner feels she is over reacting and pushing him away. This is likened to-one speaking Chinese and one speaking German. So they both keep on talking on in their language while the space between them in their marriage grows further and further apart.
An excerpt from the blog in “Happy Asperger Marriage” by Kara xxx.:
There are two types of empathy we are waiting for; cognitive (understanding the cues) and affective (emotional) empathy. Nine out of ten times you need cognitive empathy to be able to feel the affective kind (Kara-Stat). The good news is your husband already has emotional empathy. So you don’t have to teach that one!
It doesn’t always “feel” like he has even 10% of his empathetic ability functioning. Remember, affective/emotional empathy is when you are aware that someone is hurting; it makes you feel hurt, and you want to alleviate that emotional anguish for the plagued person. Since your husband is very rarely AWARE that you are hurting, he can’t exactly respond appropriately or give a darn about feelings he doesn’t know exist. Your husband does not have cognitive empathy-( the ability to pick up on facial cues, body language, and underlying meaning behind words that indicate what someone is thinking/feeling.) No matter how hard you try to get your feelings across to him, he isn’t going to be able to ever give you the emotional empathy you need to feel better. Unless you verbalize them in a clear, non-threatening and non-accusatory way, it will be difficult to move forward in a happy marriage.
It is vitally important to comprehend the difference between the two types of empathy if you want your marriage to be happy.
There are ways to bridge the gap between understanding and communicating through marriage counseling. It is a long, bumpy road, but one that can be crossed. It is vital to understand what is going wrong-to be able to fix it.
Thanks Kara for your work on making it more clear what the conflict is about-and shedding light on how to keep two people in love together and working through the tough stuff of marriage.
(See her blog below…)
http://happyaspergermarriage.com/how-to-teach-empathy-to-someone-with-aspergers-syndrome/