I have a pretty funny husband. Being the counselor, I am always talking about feelings, conflict, and my thoughts about marriage counseling. When we were at a big box store, before we split up to shop on our own, he said jokingly, “I sorry….meet me back in the make up aisle…” (Fortunately we had NOT just had an argument). I said, “sweetie, that is SO funny! What if there was somewhere couples could go to make up once they had a fight or disagreement, and it could be a place where they could talk about what happened, gain understanding and make up?”
So hence-meet me in the make up aisle .
Conflict in relationships is inevitable, as we all are so different, have varying experiences, interpretations and expectations. The biggest challenge I see in couples and marriage counseling is individuals not being able to understand or accept where the other person is coming from. Hurt feelings, separation, and hard-heartedness follow. When the anger grows to bitterness and division, it will take a strong commitment to move forward.
What does it take to get through a conflict in relationship?
- Be willing-to be willing-to forgive. It can be hard to forgive; most people think it means -“what you did was OK; I don’t want to get hurt again, so I am going to defend and hold my position of keeping my wall up and resisting resolution. No way am I going to get over this and let you in…” But forgiveness, or at least being willing to forgive, is the true key that will open up the vulnerability and growth for couples to come together again. Forgiving so that there isn’t a huge “Bank account of offenses” has to happen so as to not get buried under years of smoldering upset.
- Understanding differences. This goes beyond male/female and family of origin. It is so important to learn how each thinks, perceives, communicates, and what values each holds. For example-communication can be categorized with people who are: bold (say what you think) , emotive (feelings come out first) , sympathetic (sensitive to what others are feeling/thinking) and technical (detailed, rational). That is such a source of potential conflict if we don’t understand how the other communicates.
- Swallowing pride. Saying I am sorry requires overcoming the need to be right and pride that says, “I will not give in. You first..”. The “know it all” attitude that ruins many relationships is rooted in pride. Humility and compassion accept and own that we don’t have all the answers; that there are many ways to experience the world. A couple (a marriage, a parent/child, or friendship) overcoming conflict needs to have both partners being willing to be vulnerable and say the words, “I am sorry.”
- Learn the mechanics of healthy communication. There are some fairly simple tools for healthy communication that can be learned to help resolve conflict. The classic counselor “what I hear you saying is…” is truly the key to all communication. Stopping what you are saying to actually hear, repeat and validate your partner before you react and talk is the foundation of “healthy speak.” Then being aware of the difference between REACT vs. RESPOND will enable couples to slow down, hear the other, have space enough to think about how to move towards your partner rather than blowing up or blowing off.
My husband still jokes about some marriage advice he got before our wedding (and we are going to celebrate our 25th anniversary this year): “you’re right, I’m wrong, I’m sorry.” He still says it jokingly-but I know he, and hopefully I, will continue to embrace that we each have valid feelings and points of view, and that we both have times where we do it wrong and need to apologize. Resolving conflict in marriage requires those 3 phrases.
I think I should hang a counseling shingle at our local big box store in the make up aisle and give the world an opportunity to make amends. So-see you in the make up aisle!