When marriage problems can’t be resolved and the potential for divorce is spoken, a healing separation is a direction that can provide resolution with the intent to heal amicably. Particularly when children are involved, a healing separation can provide time and boundaries for a smoother negotiation of the unresolved conflict. Separation can be a positive choice when the conflict has escalated to the point where the two partners can no longer agree on terms of continuing or ending their relationship. Practicalities such as money, time away to work on personal issues, child visitation, living arrangements and even use of cars can be agreed upon. The intent is to provide emotional and physical distance for each partner to identify their wants and needs, to reduce the destruction of the arguments when together and to have a marital “time out” to work through what is important to each before moving ahead with the marriage or dissolving it.
When emotions escalate, the “emotional hijack” prevents the couple from making rational and beneficial decisions. Usually, partners resort to judgement, accusations, withdrawal or attack in an attempt to protect themselves from the pain and prolonged disappointment of the marital conflict. As stated in “A Healing Separation with Goals”, written by the late Bruce Fisher, Ed.D, the goal of a healing separation is to provide structure and guidelines to help make the separation a more constructive and creative experience, and to greatly enhance the growth of the relationship rather than contributing to its demise.
Key Elements of the Healing Separation Agreement:
1. Length of separation (Most couples have a sense of how long a separation they’ll need or want. It may vary from a few weeks to six months or longer.)
2. Time to Be Spent Together (A healing separation ideally should include some quality time together on a regular basis creating a new relationship.)
3. Personal Growth Experiences (Ideally a healing separation would include as many personal growth experiences as feasible, practical, and helpful.)
4. Relationships and Involvements Outside of the Relationship (Ideally a joint decision and compromise should be made concerning social involvement.)
5. Living Arrangements (Experience has shown that the in-house separation, with both parties continuing to live in the family home, results in a less creative experience. It seems to dilute the separation experience and keeps both parties from experiencing as much personal growth as is possible with separate living arrangements. It may not give enough emotional space to the person who needs it.)
6. Financial Decisions (Some couples will decide to continue joint checking accounts, savings accounts, and payment of bills. Other couples will completely separate financial aspects of the relationship. If there’s any chance for [significant] disagreement, each person could take out half of the assets and open separate accounts.)
7. Motor Vehicles (It’s been suggested that ownership and titles not be changed until a decision has been made about the future of the love relationship.)
8. Children (It’s important when a couple does a Healing Separation to minimize the emotional trauma for the children involved.)
This healing separation agreement attempts to provide structure and guidelines to help make the separation a more constructive and creative experience, and to greatly enhance the growth of the relationship rather than contributing to its demise.
Sheri Bland is a skilled therapist who has worked with couples for years on how to navigate conflict, support the growth of the individual partner and work towards protecting children from the damage of unresolved marital conflict. See the Counseling page for further information on contacting Sheri for counseling services.
The above article contains excerpts from Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends, by Bruce Fisher, Ed.D with concepts of positive relationship-healing. A complete description of the Healing Separation, along with a format for a couple’s agreement, appears as an appendix in the 1992 and 2000 editions of Bruce’s book, Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends. See the full article at: marriagemissions.com/healing-separation/